The Thing I Wanted to Happen Happened and It's Blowing My Damned Mind

Sometimes you go through things that make you feel stuff you don't want to feel. It happens to everyone. Usually, it's not your fault. It wasn't mine, anyway.

After years and years, I locked the feelings away, in this beastly cage I made in my own psyche. This allowed me to function.

But not to live.

Monsters were not put into me. This darkness that I hated so much wasn't foreign, it was just the part of me that was hurt. And I locked it away, never intending to let it out. I didn't like what it did.

But I need it. It's me. It's my life that I locked in there, that spark that burns amidst the nothing, that creates in a vacuum. It's my potential.

Some time ago, I convinced myself to reintegrate it, to let it out. I didn't know what that would look like. I didn't know how it would feel.

I do now.

I'm frightened. I'm devastated. I'm angry. I'm whole. I'm free.

Or I'm getting there, at least. This was it. This was the thing I needed, what I've been searching for, left behind where I'd already been.